How to Deal With Sexual Performance Anxiety

Fulfilling Sex Takes Place in a Mental Flow-State

Many people worry about their sexual performance – which can lead to a loss of ease and comfort in the bedroom, making it very difficult to enjoy sex.

Common problems such as getting or maintaining an erection and experiencing orgasm are very often purely psychological. They are often caused by the pressure to perform. The fear of not being able to satisfy a partner’s needs can make the mind our worst enemy.

Fulfilling sex usually takes place in a mental ‘flow state’, in the realm of animalistic instinct. However, this realm can only be accessed when we allow our thoughts to come to rest and surrender to the moment.

Sex Can No Longer Be Enjoyed

Sexual performance anxiety often stems from worrying about what a partner will think if one performs poorly. Since men are usually the active part in heterosexual intercourse, many men feel that their masculinity is threatened by such a ‘failure’ scenario. Looking at the statistics, several independent surveys suggest that this type of anxiety primarily affects men.

The main challenge I see with sexual performance anxiety is that it can create a vicious cycle where the pressure to perform leads to not being as sexually capable as one would like to be – which in turn creates a greater and greater fear of sexual failure, until sex has morphed into something terrifying that can no longer be enjoyed.

What Factors Contribute to Sexual Performance Anxiety?

• Low self-esteem and a lack of self-love can create a sense of insecurity, fear and doubt in our love life and relationship(s).

• Lack of physical fitness. Sex doesn’t have to be a high-performance sport, but a certain amount of strength and stamina is essential for satisfying lovemaking. For the majority of men, erection will start to fade when they reach the limits of what the body is capable of in terms of strength and endurance.

• Toxic habits such as smoking, drinking, poor diet and substance abuse have a major negative impact on health, libido and sexual performance, especially in the long term.

• Some men feel they need to perform like a porn star. It is important to remember: Pornography is usually a constructed artistic vision that has little in common with the reality of a satisfying, loving intimate exchange.

• Having a new partner can also increase feelings of insecurity. Especially when sharing intimacy for the first time, many men are too preoccupied with thoughts and worries about their sexual performance to fully commit to the moment.

How to Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety?

The first thing we need to realise is that we are all human, not machines. There is no button or pill that will make sex perfect all the time. Sometimes we are exhausted, stressed or just not in the right mood and this can affect our libido and ability. But that doesn’t mean we’ll never have good sex again, or that we have a serious problem.

We also need to accept that we can never control what other people think of us. The key to mental peace is to free ourselves from the compulsion to look good in other people’s eyes. It’s much more important that WE are happy and satisfied with who we are.

Another important thought: If things don’t work out between the sheets with a particular partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem with us. Sometimes we just don’t share the right vibe with someone. For example, your partner’s sexual preferences may be completely different from yours. In such a scenario, it is difficult to share pleasure with each other in a deep and fulfilling way. In most cases, satisfying sex is about finding a good rhythm with another person.

It’s a bit like improvising a song with two instruments. Some instruments match and produce something magical, others are just too different to create a harmonious tune together.

Tips to Reduce Pressure

• Free yourself from the idea that sex must always include or end with an orgasm. This form of climax is undoubtedly something beautiful, but sex should be much more about sharing moments of sensuality rather than pursuing a fixed goal. Caress each other, kiss each other, rub against each other and stimulate each other with your hands and tongues. The human body offers such a wide range of ways to share pleasure, penetration with the aim of bringing each other to orgasm is just one of many.

• Even if a sexual experience is disappointing for you and your partner, it does not diminish your value. We are human, and human beings are not perfect. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try to learn from the experience. Ask yourself why the sex wasn’t good. Was it pressure to perform? Lack of fitness? Wrong expectations? Did the vibe between you fit? Reflect on the situation and try to figure out what you can do better in the future. Sometimes it’s small decisions or tweaks that can make a big difference.

• Be in the moment. As mentioned earlier, good, fulfilling sex usually takes place in a mental flow-state. To enter this state of mind, it is necessary to calm your thoughts. Regular practice of ‘meditation in silence‘, for 15 to 30 minutes a day, will enable us to enter such flow-state whenever we desire to. Not only will this enable us to enjoy sex more deeply, but it’s also an all-round technique for neutralising any external stress we encounter.

• Maintain a regular exercise routine for sexual performance.  Exercises such as ‘Sharpening the Knife’ and ‘Kegels’ have a major impact on men’s sexual health, ability and performance.

• It can also be very helpful to talk openly with your partner about your worries and insecurities. No one who really likes or even loves you will judge you for being vulnerable and honest. On the contrary.

© Philipp, 29 June 2023